Yesterday was a weird day. Mom woke up feeling good, which is terrific. She also ate three separate times, albeit only a few bites each time. She even got a massage from Velinda, the hospice masseuse; she often declines if her mood is no good, so it was another good sign. She was awake for a full nine hours in row too; on the other hand, she slept the next fifteen in a row too.
Anne, the nurse, pulled me aside and told me Mom seemed weak. I cried a bit about how this was actually a "good day" compared to the weekend. I did not say that I had cried all weekend. Anne asked me if Mom and I have talked about the "end of life stuff." We did, months ago, but haven't in awhile. I also confessed I have no idea how to talk to my family about what's going on. Anne gave me a number to price cremation and said Murray, the slightly goofy and unsettling, "bereavement counselor" will give me a call, (if Anne remembers to tell him). She has the worst memory, but Mom loves her dearly.
Mom named one of her kittens Annie, and says it is after Nurse Anne. Anne loves Mom too. She went to Disneyland on vacation, and brought Mom home some Minnie Mouse ears. For three weeks, Mom wore her ears every time Anne came around. Margarita, another health aide, loves Mom too. Twice now, I have seen her start to cry when Mom was declining. She turns away so Mom cannot see her, but I do. She has come to see us twice a week for five months now, and she is truly incredible. She can change all of Mom's sheets and clothes in the blink of an eye. More than once Mom has said, "Don't you need to change the sheets, Margarita?" only to be told it had already been done. Roxanne, or "Roxy" as Mom calls her, has only been coming for a few weeks, but you can tell Margarita likes working with her, so we immediately liked and trusted her. She is supposed to be helping Mom get in her wheelchair, but after the first week and a half, Mom hasn't wanted to do that any more. (She went for three wheelchair rides before it got too hard for her.)
When Mom admitted she didn't want to get in her chair again, she got very upset and started to cry. She said she felt like she had "failed" us. It was very sad, and of course we all assured her she had not failed us; that all we want is for her to be happy. It was very emotional for all of us.
I am trying not to freak out, but I am super sad and anxious and my brain goes a mile a minute. I am supposed to go away for four days this weekend, and though I'm sure she'll still be here when I come home, I feel guilty for not spending every waking minute with her, because "the end" seems to be looming. She is encouraging me to go, but I can tell she is a little scared for me to be gone too.
Well, I could keep going, but I have worn myself out, and probably whoever is reading too.
LIFE IS PRECIOUS- EVERY MOMENT OF IT- BUT ESPECIALLY
THE MOMENTS FILLED WITH LOVE.
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