Notes from a hospice house: 2

It's very quiet here today.  No nurses or home health people come by on Fridays.  Mom is napping and my husband, Furly is out.  I have a baby monitor set up in her room, but only the sound of the oxygen machine is coming through: every few seconds it makes a sound like a short, exasperated sigh, and over time this sound has become weirdly soothing to me.  Even her dog is sleeping, which tells me for sure she is sound asleep.

I'm glad she's asleep.  She has had a rough day.  She is really having a hard time coming to terms.  No one could possible blame her.  She can't get out of bed.  She can't even sit up by herself.  The worst part of this limitation is she can't take herself to the bathroom or even change her own soiled briefs.  This obviously brings up some awkward feelings, as her mind is as nearly as sharp as ever.  In addition, the pain of her hip makes her reluctant to "go."  The nurses are getting concerned.

They tried to put her on her side yesterday.  It did not go well: even though they used all kinds of cushions for support, by the time they were out the door for 10 minutes, Mom said she was too scared to be alone because of the pain.  I had to put her back on her back.  Later on, her massage therapist came for the first time.  She gave Mom a special foot rub that was supposed to help her go too, and taught it to me.  She's had prunes and prune juice and a daily laxative- long story short we've tried everything. 

There's a long list of humiliating things about getting older and needing care.  I think we can safely put having to talk about your bowels all the time to that list.

Notes from a hospice house: (part 1)

My mom lives with my husband and me.  Two weeks ago she became bedridden and was put on hospice care.  It has been a confusing and emotional time for all of us.  For the sake of my sanity and to somehow make sense of all the thoughts in my head, I am going to try and write about my experience as a caretaker and all the thoughts and feelings that come into play.  My main goal is to be honest and open about what our day to day life is like.  Needing to share these daily moments feels a little selfish, but I hope in the process to honor my mom and all of the people who support her; our family, friends and hospice care team.




Now for some preliminary information.


   How We got Here/ The Catch 22:
     1.  Mom was having treatment for cancer.
     2.  Treatment made her weak and she fell and broke her hip.
     3.  Her health is too bad to have the surgery to fix her hip.
     4.  Without surgery, she can't be transferred to continue treatment.
     5.  Without treatment, the cancer is terminal.
     6.  Now she's in hospice care.


All I have left to say today is that I am really sad.  Mom mom's situation totally sucks, and it breaks my heart.   I have been doing pretty well until today.  For some reason I just can't stop crying, so I decided to write.  My mind is full of "what if's" and "if only," and I absolutely know there is no good in it.  Writing helps me to process all the noise in my head, and I do seem to be feeling better.


I love my mom, and I know this time is a gift.