I have had a lesson in detachment and living in the present this week. Some would call it "an opportunity for personal growth." Others would call it suffering a severe disappointment. Perspective is everything, and today I must change mine if I want to quit this silly crying. I'm acting like a child.
You see, I feel like I lost something, but I didn't really. Truth be told, it was never mine in the first place. Nobody owed it to me. I did not deserve it. It wasn't even going to happen for six weeks and three days (but who was counting, right?)
I was getting a pink slip. (Not literally, but you know what I mean.) I have worked for the same company now for over 12 years. I know I don't deserve a gold watch or pension or anything for 12 years, but still I feel it's sort of impressive these days. There are older goats than I there with more seniority too. We were all getting let go. Sounds terrible, huh? Unless you throw in a severance that allows for vacation time before the job hunt begins. Then it sounds okay. Add in the nearly sure opportunity for re-hire when the company was back up and running, and it plain starts sounding like a pretty sweet break with the potential for long term change; especially if you had been working hard and steady for a lot of years doing the same thing.
You know, it's hard not to think about the future. We are supposed to, right? I mean, living in the moment is great, but somebody needs to know what day of the month the next bill is due, right? Didn't someone tell you to make a five year plan? I never have, but I know I was told to.
We were informed of the possible sale of our building nearly six months ago. At first we were just told it was possible. A few months later it was more possible. Then it was likely. Probable. Most assuredly. Wouldn't even make sense this late in the game if it didn't happen, so finally it must!
It was only about three weeks ago I got into the idea of being jobless. Heeding advice from my family and bosses, I decided not to worry too much about my financial future. Everyone said "You should have some time off. You deserve it." I was IN. I could line up another job right away and have extra money, but I was really was in it for the time. I would postpose a job hunt.
Instead I started looking up dance and yoga classes at the activity center, planned to record my next album, and imagined a short tour around Texas and then maybe to California to see by big brother and his family. I miss them. Gardening, cooking breakfast for my mom every day, working on my house, writing- I had PLANS. It was going to happen...
...and then it didn't.
At the last possible minute, the big developer walked away from the deal. Others rejoiced that the watering hole would stay, but I was crushed. What about my extra time?
It's the same as the losers on terrible reality game shows that cry because they don't win the prize. They feel like they lost something because they already have made big plans for all that fame and money, but it was never theirs to lose. I usually poke fun at those people, but I made plans too.
Not only did I make the plans, I got attached to them. I know there are lots of positive things about not losing my job (duh), and about the business carrying on as usual, but my heart doesn't feel it today. I fell for an illusion I created for myself, believing we could know the future and depend on it for happiness. Any half decent Buddhist could see the problem there. Again, duh.
Breathe in... JOY. Breathe out... PEACE. You are alive right now. (Lucky you!) This moment counts and no other. It can be fun to make plans IF you remember the great illusion of time and don't take anything too seriously. Which means, the "thing" I lost- that extra time? It doesn't even exist.
Hilarious.
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