My husband, Furly and I went on a road trip this fall. We wanted to see some places we had never seen and do some camping and hiking and fishing. We had not been on a trip together for a few years and thought we deserved some time to "get our heads together" out on the road.
Personally and professionally, I am sort of at crossroads in my life, (or maybe this is what they call a mid-life crisis); either way I have some choices to make about what the next bit of my worldly existence will look like. I thought for sure I would find some answers out on the road, like some young beatnik poet. This trip was almost to be a sequel to my post-college wide eyed Great American Road Trip, where I drove up the west coast to Vancouver and back. On that trip I wrote songs, I made plans, I fell more deeply in love (with some dweeb), and I expanded my vision and my mind. I was 22 years old and life was stretched out before me.
Things were very different this recent trip. I mean, first off we went to Florida and through the swampy spooky racist deep south instead of cruising the Cali coastline. There is a big difference in vibes, obviously. Also, I am forty now, which sounds older in my mind than it is. More than likely the real truth is that I am a different person now. I have been changed. My life begins now to stretch behind me, and I find myself becoming wistful and nostalgic. I think more often lately of that which is gone than what lies ahead.
So it was very different. We hiked and relaxed and did all our fishing and camping. We toured the tourist towns and took all the pictures. We had many fun times. I did not find myself, write songs, make plans or decisions. Know what I did manage to do a lot? Cry. I cried in the car. I cried on the trail. I cried by the lake. Don't get me wrong- I laughed and smiled and all that good stuff too, but for being on vacation, it was a lot of crying. I could say "I needed it" but it would be more accurate to say I could not help it. With so much quiet time out in nature and minus the distractions of work and home, emotions I had been avoiding had nowhere else to go. Then I got so homesick we came home a week early, and I STILL had no direction, inspiration or clarity of any sort.
A couple weeks before we left for this grand adventure, I was visiting with a friend who had just come home from a long road trip of her own. When I asked her how it was, she laughed and said, "Well, you know how it is. Wherever you go, there you are."
There I was. Here I am. I am still hurting and lost and that sucks. Furly is still hurting too, and that also sucks. Taking care of Mom changed everything. She has been gone over a year and we are both still pretty depressed. Furly says we won't feel like this forever, and I know he is right. Without the darkness we would not see the break of dawn and all of the promise it holds.
